I Don't Always Love It

Merry (late) Christmas, everyone! I hope all of you had an amazing and blessed Christmas this year. Here in the B house, we are still recovering and now we're battling the nasty cold bug that has started making rounds. B is bed bound today while J and I hold down the fort. We've been traveling to various family events so J is now sleeping off all his exhaustion.

Last Sunday we found ourselves at my aunt's house for my dad's family Christmas. Me and B were sitting at the table with the rest of my cousins when we started talking about being a parent. You see, one of my cousins had the first grandbaby last year, J was the second and the youngest of all of us is pregnant with the third. There was one more cousin at the table that is now engaged and his fiancee was talking to us about our baby's schedules. We began comparing sleep schedules, breastfeeding woes (don't worry, my breastfeeding post is being compiled now) and the most recent winner of the "Guess What's On My Shirt" game and that's when she looked across the table and mouthed to her significant other "We will never have kids". That's when it hit me that I was that person I hated during my pregnancy. I think every new mom knows that person. She's the one who tells you every horror story known to man about childrearing before she tells you of all the joys that come with it.

I don't always love being a mother and I would be lying if I told you there weren't days when I secretly wished I were alone in my house or on the beach with Mr. David Beckham.... wait, I think that's my marriage speech but I can honestly  say I would never trade this experience for anything in the world. 

I don't always love it when...

1.) I get nice and cozy in bed just to have J wake up and start screaming

2.) He looks at me with giant alligator tears in his eyes and I don't know how to fix whatever is making his tummy hurt.

3.) I am all dressed up nice for an event and J pukes on me. Who needs perfume?

4.) It's 5 am and I can't find the paci in his crib. Why don't they make those things glow in the dark?

5.) I feel like I finally have some sort of schedule figured out for J and then he has a growth spurt and we start over at the beginning.

6.) I'm covered 24/7 in puke, pee or both. I actually went to bed last night with both on my clothes and didn't bat an eye.

7.) J gets gas or has a hard time with his poops. He cries while he's being held, eating, laying down, sucking on his paci, then he blows up his diaper and feels all better.

But these are the things I love...

1.) I love when J smiles up at me with milk all over his face and gurgles a noise of approval.

2.) Bath time. I love giving J a bath because he's such a cute naked baby!

3.) Play time on his mat.

4.) When he gets sleepy and just wants to snuggle.

5.) He's now starting to giggle and it's the best sound ever!

So while I don't always love being a mother, I wouldn't trade my experience with anyone or for anything else in the world. J has turned our lives upside down but day by day we're learning to deal with his changes and it's the most rewarding path we could have taken.

-W

Thoughts

2.) I need to do laundry... like, yesterday. Seriously. B has been wearing the same pair of panties for 4 days. 

D.) I need to find some sort of childcare option for J. I can't believe I'm supposed to actually part with that sweet face in 6 weeks!

45.) Why are Zaxby's bathroom stalls so tiny? 

T.) It's Christmas in the south, y'all! Our tiny little city is all dressed up for the season and it looks beautiful.

8.) Since having J, my memory has taken a severe nose dive. I'm pretty sure I birthed most of my brain cells along with him.

73.) Our house is about a quarter of a mile from the train track in town. There's a train that runs around 10 o'clock every night and we call it the "sick train". It makes us laugh.

Y.) My mom and dad still live in the small town I grew up in. My dad's cousin owns a funeral home and used to be the sheriff of the county. My mom somehow ended up on the email list for the funeral home and gets emails every time someone in town dies. I used to think it was amusing, then she came home with the funeral home's calendar a few weeks ago and now I think she needs to be committed. 

11.) Love you, Mom!

2e.) Did you know the Queen of England doesn't have a last name? In fact, none of the royal family has a last name. You're welcome.

J is waking up and diapers need to be stuffed and put away. Have a great day!

-W

One Month... Maybe

So do you count a month from October 14th to November 14th or by 4 weeks? I'm not sure which to go with so I decided to post somewhere in the middle of the two dates. That and week 4 hit yesterday and I was a little too busy with Baby J's breakdowns to even pee. Either way, he's still growing (ugh) and he's somewhere close to being a month old.

Things I've learned in the last month:

1.) 5 minute showers are in these days.

2.) You aren't cool if you don't have puke and poo on your shirt, in your hair and somewhere on bare skin.

3.) There isn't Scotch Guard for the walls.

4.) Pacis hide when you need them the most.

5.) Said pacis are found in weird places like under the couch, at the foot of the bed and in the dogs toy box.

6.) You aren't above cleaning pacis in your own mouth before giving it to the little one...... just kidding..... please don't call DFaCS.

7.) Baby sleeps wherever baby wants to sleep. Even if that is in the crook of dad's arm in the chair. Baby J's head often times smells like B's deodorant. It's at least a little more pleasant than the puke smell it normally has.

8.) Sometimes it's ok to think bad thoughts about your husband as long as you don't act upon them.

9.) Postpartum sneezes are scary because of, you know, the lady factor but they're also scary because they hold the potential to wake a sleeping baby. I'm sure my brain comes close to exploding every time I try to hold one in.

10.) The love you feel for you new precious one is enough to trump this entire list.

Is it bad that I actually had to read through that list again to make sure I could count to 10? Oh sleep, you are missed.

-W

3 Week Thoughts

O.....M.....G! I can't believe my baby is 3 weeks old today! I know, I know. It doesn't compare to "OMG my baby is 18 and moving out today!" but it's still pretty significant seeing how we are still trying to figure out just who this little guy is. He's only been home a little over a week now and things are still a little shaky in the B house. We definitely aren't as sleep deprived as we could be (thanks to the NICU for getting him on a schedule) but naps are becoming a beloved family activity at this point.

My recovery has gone pretty smooth so far. I had a little run in with mastitis and that slowed me down for a little while but we've overcome that now. Baby J is sleeping decently at night and peeing all over the wall behind his changing pad. Boys are supposed to do that, right? I've heard that when he gets older, he'll actually do it on purpose and laugh at his crafty little self. God, help me.

A lot of people have asked how I feel.... you know.... in my lady bits. For the record, I feel fine. But I do want to say this. The first postpartum poop has NOTHING against the first postpartum sneeze. I will now warn all of my patients about this ill fated day.

Many quotes have been thrown around our house lately and I can't help but share my three favorite B to J quotes.

- I'm sorry, bud. You didn't have many choices. It was either me or the state.

- (After a long feeding) You look like you just waddled out of the Golden Corral.

- (Looking at a mastitis pamphlet) Wow, buddy! Look at all those buffets.

And those are just to name a few.

I'm behind on Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, Pretty Little Liars and American Horror Story but I'm ok with that. Hanging out with J is pretty rewarding.

Check out my handsome little man.

-W

Jack Update: day 9

Day 9 and the end is near. Can you feel it? I'm so ready to get our little man home where he belongs. Last night was the last lab draw he will have done. Everything came back within normal limits this morning which is fantastic!!! All of the labs that indicate he has an infection were all normal so the antibiotics did their jobs and now we have a healthy baby boy. Except that whole fractured clavicle thing. We've been splinting his arm for now and will continue to do that when we get home. Not sure how long it will be needed but as long as it heals, I'll do anything.

The nurses have also allowed us to feed him on his own schedule which is much easier. He's eating about every 4 hours at this point but taking in much more. He is getting to the point of taking in about 4 ounces each time. What a pig!!! I feel like we're cheating the parenthood system with him being here. When we get him home he'll be on a pretty good nighttime schedule and then demanding during the day.

Even though we feel like we're cheating the schedule, we've been getting our sleep while he's here. Until last night, that is. I woke up around 5 am and needed to pump so I got up, pumped for 15 minutes and went back to bed. Of course, B also woke up and helped out where he could. We turned the light back off and as the heat kicked on, we heard a rustling noise on the nightstand. I had a plastic bag of bottles sitting there and thought it was the air rushing past the plastic. We both dismissed it and laid there a little while longer. Then we heard it again and B told me to turn the light on. I did as I was told and there it was, the biggest, ugliest palmetto bug I've ever seen in my life. Of course I screamed like a girl and it scurried around on my nightstand in complete terror as well. B ran over with a flip flop to save me but managed to knock it to the ground which caused it to the escape under our bed. At this point I had my bags packed and vowed to never step foot in the house again. Luckily B is quick on his toes at what was now 5:30 in the morning and was able to meet it on its way out on the other side of the bed. The bug met its end behind B's nightstand and had a proper water burial in the toilet.

As for me, I didn't sleep all that well because I just knew he had an accomplice lurking somewhere in our house. Maybe tonight will be a bit easier.

Sleep tight!!

-W

Jack Attack: Day 6

Ugh day 6. Me and B both are so tired of being in the NICU. The staff is amazing and there are great accommodations for the families but nothing beats being at home in your pajamas. Jackson is hooked up to so many leads and lines that we have to keep him near his crib. Oh yeah, he's in a big boy bed now. They moved him off the warmer bed yesterday and he's now in a crib.

We're also letting him tell us when he's hungry. We were on an every 3 hour schedule and that wasn't working. He's getting bigger now and takes more with each feed. He's up to 90 ml per feed which is 3 ounces and there's no way he's hungry every 3 hours. Today should be much easier because we won't have to fight him all the time to eat.

His color looks great and his bilirubin levels are coming down. Remember, bilirubin levels tells us if he needs to be on phototherapy for his jaundice. His level went up yesterday but this morning it was back down.

The other surprise this morning came from our nurse. His PICC line has to be examined fairly frequently to make sure it is still in the right place. This morning they did the x-ray for confirm placement and the report came back showing a fractured right clavicle. Apparently this has been the case since the first day but no one has informed me. There isn't anything you do for a broken or fractured clavicle but to splint it so that it heals properly. I feel bad because I've been laying him on his right side to feed but he's never cried out in pain. We'll just start splinting and move forward from here. This shouldn't keep him in the hospital any longer than normal.

Our expected discharge date is still this Friday. We're on day 6 and will begin dose 7 this afternoon. We are counting the days until our little one gets to come home and we're a complete family. I feel like I'm missing out on so much each night when I go home. The room has a couch bed that I can sleep on if I want to stay with him at night but I feel it is best if I go home and get some rest before he gets there. I want to be able to take care of him to my best ability and making sure I am healing is the only way to do that.

My mom chip is kicking in this week and I'm starting to worry if he's a bother to the other babies on the floor. Every time he cries a nurse comes running in to ask if I need help. He usually cries during his diaper changes and when I'm swapping him to a different side to feed. I feel it is normal but some of the nurses are making me think he's being too loud. B keeps reminding me that I'm worrying over nothing and it's normal for him to get upset when we expose his hiney to the cold air but I can't help but worry.

So for right now, he's doing really well and making progress every day. I'll post more updates when I have them!

-W

And Baby Makes Three!

That's right! Our brand new baby.......  BOY is here! Mr. Jackson Bryant Burns was born on Monday, October 14, 2013 at 7:20 pm. He weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz and was  a whopping 22 inches long. Where was all that baby at inside me?

I'm sorry this post is coming so delayed from his birth. You see, the entire experience hasn't been, dare I say, expected? You can't plan a delivery and how the recovery will go but you always have this small hope inside your head that things will go normally and you'll come home with a perfect baby. Then you get a nursing license and fate turns on you. We call it the "nurse curse". All nurses know of it and fear it with all they have. Kind of like Murphy's Law, when a nurse comes into the hospital for any reason, anything that can go wrong, will. 

My water broke on Saturday. Two days before my new bundle of joy would make his big entrance. I'm sure you remember my last post talking about bladder leakage. Well, I was wrong. It was actually amniotic fluid. I didn't think my water had broken because contractions didn't start within 24 hours, it was dime sized amounts that I was leaking and I couldn't find a pattern. Sometimes I'd have a Braxton Hicks contraction and leak a little and other times I'd just be sitting on the couch watching t.v. Either way, I was walking around with a broken bag and didn't know it. 

I'm sure you also remember me talking about that GBS test that is performed on all pregnant women at about 35 weeks gestation. My test came back negative which was a relief. 

All of this makes for the perfect nurse curse storm.

I woke up Monday morning and leaked a little. I was tired of this happening and voiced my frustration to B. He told me to call the OB and let him know what was going on. My OB had me go to the hospital and have the fluid checked. We hoped in the car with our bug out bags in hand and headed off to the hospital. When we go there, we were checked in as normal and shown to our room. The nurse performed what's called an AmnioSwab to check the fluid. You look for the tip of the swab to turn a specific color. The color turned but wasn't as dark as it should be so it was considered equivocal and they did another test called Amnio Sure. This is a test that is like the swab but the swab is then sent to the lab for confirmation. A short time later the nurse confirmed my fear. My water was actually broken and my baby was coming today. 

Fear is probably the word not many people would use in this situation but I was scared because any rupture over 18 hours increases the chance of infection for the baby. I was immediately fearful for my little one and couldn't believe I let myself go that long before going to the hospital. But there was nothing I could do about it at that time. I had to pray for the best and accept what God was about to hand me. 

The time we spent in the L&D room was actually pretty short. Family started filtering in around 12 and that helped take my mind off of things. I had my epidural placed at 11 (way too long after the pitocin was started) and didn't feel another contraction until I started pushing at 5. I pushed for 2.5 hours and there he was. My little Jackson. I would go into depth on the delivery story but I don't want to relive that nightmare right now. Let's just say I had an epidural placed but ended up with a natural birth.

After the delivery isn't a grand experience either. I'll sum that one up by saying the delivering OB had a body part inside my body well after the baby was here to help stop my bleeding. My dreams still haunt me.

We were then taken to my postpartum room to begin my long journey as a mom and my difficult recovery period. Remember, I work as a nurse on postpartum so this part was very familiar to me. I knew what to expect here. My fellow staff member welcomed me with open arms and showered us with hugs and kisses. Correction, they aren't staff, they're family. 

The first night was pretty hard. Jackson had a lot of fluid in his throat and tummy so he was pretty spitty  all night. Because I was a prolonged rupture, the pediatrician decided to do a blood culture and CBC on the baby. I'll explain the labs and their significance a little later. The next morning we woke up unrefreshed and ready for a shower. I had gotten sick during the delivery and wasn't allowed to shower due to my IV and foley catheter. The first shower was magical. You can never appreciate a nice warm shower until you've had a traumatic delivery. 

The day was progressing along quite nicely and then we got the news. My unit manager and clinician came in for a quick visit with me and also dropped the heartbreaking news on me. My clinician told me that Jackson's blood culture came back positive.... WHAT!? I've never heard of a positive blood culture.... ever. What it means is that his blood was put in a dish and began growing bacteria. My brand new baby's blood was infected. This isn't supposed to happen. They're supposed to be born perfect and fresh. She then informed me that the pediatrician was being notified and they would let me know what was going on. A few minutes later another nurse came in and informed me that the pediatrician wanted Jackson to be admitted to the NICU to begin receiving his antibiotics via IV instead of muscular shots. My mind immediately went to my prolonged rupture and I began blaming myself for making my baby sick. After all, I was the one that didn't go to the hospital. I had about 5 minutes and the nurse came back and took my sweet little one on over to the NICU so he could begin his injections. I sat in my room with B and my parents and cried harder than I ever had in my life. 

When babies are admitted to the NICU in our hospital, the in house neonatologists begin following him and making all of his medical decisions. Working there made this transition a little easier. I knew the neos already so I was pretty comfortable with the group. When he got there, one of the neos called me to inform me of this care. I couldn't go to his room and meet with her because he was having IVs started and getting medicine. They requested that I wait about 30 minutes before coming to see him. The neo informed me that she thought he had a GBS infection. There's that bacteria again. What we expect now is that I am actually GBS positive and my initial test was a false negative. The other theory is that I developed GBS between the time I was tested and the time my sweet Jackson arrived. 

The next few hours are a blur. I ended up deciding to be discharged the next day and come home without my baby. I'm so happy with that decision because it allowed me to come home and get adequate rest so I can serve him a little better. 

As of today, his lab values look great and you can tell he's feeling much better. The neo that saw him a few days ago wants to keep him until next Friday which would equal 10 days of antibiotics. He's doing so well that I still cling to the hope that he could come home at the 7 day mark on Tuesday. Either way, I want a healthy baby boy coming home and not a sick one. I would take care of him either way but if he's safer in the NICU right now then that's what we will do. 

I'm hoping to keep everyone updated on his care but remember that the NICU is a very tiring place. Right now we get there around noon and stay until 9 at night. We then come home, eat a snack and go to bed so we can rest to do it all over again. 

There are some parts of the story that are missing, like how he did the past few days, but they will come into play a little while later. 

I called this morning to get an update from my favorite nurse, Heidi and she said his jaundice levels have come down and he's now off of phototherapy. YAY!! Phototherapy is a therapy of lights that help break down bilirubin that sits under the baby's skin. The bilirubin is what causes baby's to have a yellow appearance and is what is called Jaundice. When the bilirubin is passed, the yellow goes down and the phototherapy can be stopped. I expected him to be on therapy when he was born and it isn't a NICU specific thing. I have an appointment with a lactation specialist today at noon so she can watch Jackson feed. He and I both are adjusting with that right now but things are going well. I'm also pumping about 4 ounces each time so his night time feedings are covered with two pumping sessions. 

Here are some pictures of our little one. The bright blue lights in some of them are the phototherapy lights. 

That's all the updates I have for today. I'll check back with you tomorrow for more!!

-The B Family