Monday, December 7, 2015

Adventures in Potty Training

Potty training has been on the mind lately. J was the one to initiate the training to start. He showed me signs that he was ready and I kind of took that and ran with it. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I've turned into a public restroom aficionado. For real. I now know where each and every bathroom is in the mall and I even have a portable potty attachment in my diaper bag for J's little booty to fit on without him falling in the potty.

Let me fill you in on the latest developments. Forgive me if you've heard the stories before.

This past week, J and I went to the mall to do a little Christmas shopping. We headed straight to Old Navy to begin our spending spree. We were walking through the store when J stood up and proudly shouted " I potty!" then, in typical fashion, he whispered "I potty, mommy!". I knew I only had a few precious moments to get that hiney on a potty before the waterworks started. We ran to the back of the store, through the dressing rooms and into the biggest bathroom stall I could find. I whipped out my handy dandy potty attachment, yanked J's pants to the floor, tossed the diaper across the stall in a mad frenzy and plopped him atop the throne. I was checking placement in the back when I then moved to the front to find my worst nightmare. J was peeing but not a drop was making its way into the potty. Instead, it was shooting out of his member, across the top of the potty, onto the floor and all over the stroller. Not knowing what to do, I began a very panicked whine which then set off a domino effect of J and I looking one another in the eye and whining.

I did what I thought I should. I hugged him close and tried bending him forward to help shoot gravity in the correct direction. Just so you didn't know, that doesn't work and actually ended up with pee touching more areas of the stall that I didn't foresee. At this point, J was so frantic, there was no stopping the stream of "pure driven snow". I decided the only way to stop this madness was to use manual force. I decided to manually point him... it... the nozzle, into the toilet. After a dime sized squirt, J was finished with his Bathroom Spray of 2015.

"Yay!!! Pee pee in the potty!", he shouted across the bathroom. We did our usual high five and clapping because, regardless of the horror that just took place, I was super proud of my little man. Then I stepped back and surveyed the damage.

Pee. Everywhere.

There was pee on the floor, the stroller, his pants, my pants, toilet paper holder, seriously, everywhere.  I didn't know which direction to head in first. I took his pants and mopped up what I could from in front of the toilet on the floor and then threw them away. There was no way I was shlepping pee and floor nasty pants around with me all day. I figured I could buy a pair of jeans while I was there to replace what I just took off.

It wasn't until I reached for J to apply another diaper on that I found him running his hands around the toilet seat to flush the toilet. Seriously, every trip to the bathroom makes me want to vomit and then throw him in a hazmat shower. But, unfortunately, his favorite part about the bathroom is flushing the toilet.

I got the diaper put back on, washed his hands, wished the bathroom the best of luck with the next toddler and got the heck out of dodge. It wasn't until I tried reentering the dressing room with a replacement pair of pants that the "kind" saleslady informed me that I wasn't allowed to take the tag off a pair of pants and pay for them later. So, we walked around Old Navy with a half naked toddler dancing in the stroller.

Things have gotten much easier since then. For example, he wore his Thomas underwear all day today without an accident. We even ventured out to the store and no issues. But I came prepared with a plastic grocery bag and change of clothes.

He's even developed a new habit when using the potty. He likes to flush the toilet and then says "Have a good day, potty!".

This story and potty training session has been brought to you by Appleton Estate Reserve Rum.

-Potty Expert

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